Women as constant frenemies

"Worst enemy" myths contradicted by logic, history.

by Jody Dallaire, Dieppe Advisory Committee on Equal Opportunity between Women and Men

This probably falls under pet peeves, but I need to say something about the sometimes-heard comment that "women are their own worst enemy." The worst kind of sexism is that which is presented as something else.

First, I would think that the women's movement puts the lie to that statement. Think of the massive efforts by women to help other women, to help battered women find safety, to get services and rights that they themselves might never need or use. Who are the only ones saying that traditional "women's work" — whether paid or unpaid — should be given its just value? Women have forever come together to support such causes because as Rosemary Brown, the first female Black Member of Parliament, said, when it comes to women's issues: "Until all of us have made it, none of us have made it."

 

The idea that women are their own enemy is basically another case of blaming women for the status of women.

But usually the person making the comment that women are their worst enemy, follows up with an anecdote — with which they tar a whole sex.

Often it'll be an example of what they consider women not supporting another woman. Someone I know has a reply to that: "Damn right, I don't support the Margaret Thatchers of the world, because my fight is not for the advancement of individual women but the advancement of all women." I'll defend the right of each woman, or man, to do something like run for office or start a business, but that does not mean I have to vote for or buy from them. Expecting all women to act alike because they are women is called a stereotype.

Or they'll talk about how well the "boys' club" works, and why don't women support each other in the same way. Probably because chauvinistic traditions are part of the problem, not part of the solution?

Or the example they have in mind involves a woman being harassed or bullied, and other women not coming to her aid. We have management systems based on bullying, we re-elect politicians who bully citizens, we socialize men to think it's acceptable to lord it over women…, but you think the ones to be held accountable are other potential victims?

Some will bring up stories of women gossiping or knocking other women down or mean girls' issues — stereotypes loved and hyped by Hollywood and maintained by sexism. Such behaviour is individual and unfortunately not exclusive to women. And, girl, you need better friends.

The strangest illustration of "women being their own worst enemy" was someone who gave as proof that when a woman leaves a man, the one replacing her with that man is always a woman. Huh?

The title of "women's worst enemy" should really go to sexist society — the weight of sexist attitudes and systems that devalue anything "feminine" and that warp our view of the sexes. The runner-up to the title of "women's worst enemy" is vested interests.

Men are no more women's worst enemy than women are. Both are caught up in these systems and vested interests. As author and activist Gloria Steinem said: "The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn."

The idea that women are their own enemy is basically another case of blaming women for the status of women. I won't say blaming the victim because I think it's more accurately described as scapegoating, pointing the finger in the wrong direction. One way to deflect blame is to say that if women earn less than men it's because they have trouble juggling work and family or it's that they don't network enough or negotiate enough or work hard enough. Never mind that affordable flexible child care doesn't exist, nor that women's jobs are low pay because they are women's jobs. And who, exactly, does a better job than women of juggling work and family anyway?

And of course, short skirts are the cause of rape, not rapists.

A great antidote and rebuttal to people who bring out "women are their own worst enemy" is a new website launched last month of Women Social Activists of Atlantic Canada. Though it profiles only a small number of women — 27 to be exact — and hardly any of them are from the Acadian or Aboriginal community – the stories of these women tell of outrage at injustice and a passion for change for all women. As one commentator wrote about the site, the women seemed to work from the principle: "Be hard on injustice but gentle with people."

One of the New Brunswickers profiled, now-retired nurse Madeleine Gaudet tells of her ongoing activism for many causes, like pay equity to reverse unequal pay ("It's sad because it's continuing to devalue the role of women") and pensions "for women who want to stay home, who are not gaining anything under the Canada Pension Plan."

Read of the changes that these women contributed to, the resistance and unfairness they encountered, and the help they got from the women around them — and you will soon realize that women coming together is how it was done, time and time again, not "the superhero or the individualistic hero (the so-called great woman)." So much so, that the site should be about that collective action, not individuals.

Notice how often an individual's act is generalized to the entire connection of women, but how rarely successful collected action is ascribed to individual women? The fact is that, far from being worst enemies, history shows that women working together are women's best friends.

© Copyright 2012 Jody Dallaire, All rights Reserved. Written For: StraightGoods.ca