On a dark and stormy night, LOL at worst-first-sentence awards.
from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
[Editor’s note: Many readers will be familiar with this worst-first-sentence contest. According to the BLFC website: “Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels… ” The 2012 contest winners’ page includes dozens of worthy mentions as well as prize winners in categories such as Children’s Literature, Crime, Romance, and Vile Puns. Here are three of the winners.]
Winner
- As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.
Cathy Bryant, Manchester, England
The winner of the 2012 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England.
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award
- As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds' rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta's face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows.
David Pepper, Hermosa Beach, CA
Winner: Children's Literature
He swaggered into the room (in which he was now the "smartest guy") with a certain Wikipedic insouciance, and without skipping a beat made a beeline towards Dorothy, busting right through her knot of admirers, and she threw her arms around him and gave him a passionate though slightly tickly kiss, moaning softly, "Oooohh, Scarecrow!"
David S Nelson, Falls Church, VA
References
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
About Bulwer-Lytton
Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.
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